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Before you get so drunk that you can’t read this I have some words of wisdom for you merry people regarding going out in and around the festive time of year.
Everyone likes to go out over the Christmas and New Year but sometimes it is the most dangerous time of the year!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
This is when like the boots advert hordes (I did say hordes) of women and the odd bloke (very odd ) get glammed up with their best sparkly top and 7 inch heels and try and walk while drunk around the city centre of Newcastle (the same up and down this country) some of them have not been out since lasts years do (for good reason) because these lovely women turn into scary creatures of the night draped in tinsel and party hat with feather boa of the swinging forties and now that they are the same age they become sex pests.
There is no waiter safe from the hands of one of these creatures and one dropped fork would result in a quick, but unseen to the naked eye, fondle much to the distress of the poor waiter. As the meal progresses the dirty jokes and foot and eye flirting reaches fever pitch. A word of warning for any poor mailroom boy out on his first meal if miss flirty and over forty catches your eye ask for it back and head for the hills or you will being doing the walk of shame in the early morning after waking up in Blyth (only joking it could be Walker) after a night with her you went out a boy and came home a man!!
Every office party will have the crier, the girl that has just broken up with a lad (so he does not have to buy her a Christmas present and he can kiss as many girls under the mistletoe as he wants) she will be surrounded by 2 -3 women at any one time, just like loose women on the telly, giving her advice on how to get over this matter and make up tips to sort out her eyes so that she does not have to go around looking like Alice Cooper for the rest of the day. On the outskirts of this group is a small group of witches around a cauldron , I mean some 20 something young ladies that are pointing out this poor girls faults and also trying to fine out if her ex is with someone for future reference due to at least 2 of them being up to his standard!!
After this meal our happy band of party goers will split into different groups , some of the older ones opting for home but most will take it the scenic tour of our fair city huddled together like people trekking to the north pole keeping in formation as they struggle from bar to bar . As the night goes on the number dwindles as they go off in small groups to age related bars and night clubs only to be seen at 3.30 am shoes in hand with a friend hailing and swearing at taxis still with party hats on but the boas looking like they have been plucked for Christmas dinner ….the good old office party.
FACTORY FUN DAY
All the lads from the factory turn up for work in their best party pants, slip on shoes and Christmas leather jacket ( 40+ of age ) while the young ones dress like one direction with shit catcher pants and comb over hairstyle ( I have no hair, gutted ) and a t-shirt with no neckline in (Geordie shore has a lot to answer for!) after cracking open the cans at 8.15 they drink and play cards and take the piss out of who is wearing what and why ( did your Mam dress you? Or you might need to take that top back as it shrank to fit! lol). After about 2 hours of this the trip bus arrives and everyone piles on like you are on your school trip (the hard kids sit at the back, the geeks at the front with the teacher and the dirty girl from 4th year sits on every lads’ knee! Strange things happen on factory day out, dowdy girls from the office are transformed into sex kittens and the older ones are turned into cougar tigers just for the benefit of the day due to the 5- ratio of men to women! Even the ugly ones get a lot of attention due to the lack of choice and drink!
The meal resembles something of the feeding time at the monkey cage due to most of them not being used to eating at a restaurant (they ate at one last year) you can tell the type of industry you are in by where you eat lunch ranging from cafeteria to bait cabin so fine dining is rare!
After you get them all seated and you stop them nicking the burbles off the Christmas tree and chatting up the reception staff the meal is ploughed into with no remorse and the drinking of anything to hand is on the cards it is surprising how many adult male start to try to mix red wine with white wine to make their own brand of rose when they run out of the one they like and the drinking slows down when the free bar closed resulting in a mutiny and abandoning the ship due to the highway robbery of prices at the restaurant.
As they leave the place, the Staff starts to mingle together the M.D looking out of place but trying to fit in with the lads so that he does not get killed due to the slumming element of bars they attend due to the canny prices! This is where everything that has happened of the last 12 months are thrown in the mix , pay cuts, job losses overtime and everything that gets to people during the year but can’t say until Christmas . Managers try to build bridges to staff they have bullied through the year sometimes resulting on the delightful term to “ f**k off” or in extreme cases a chokehold that sees everyone in attendance resemble a rugby scrum pulling people off each others throats and telling everyone to “calm doon”. While this is happening one smooth knight in shining armour is protecting a poor secretary with his big strong manly arms only to use these same arms to try and grab a kiss and a grope after 2 more pints resulting in a slap or a lucky night of romance . The end result is the same the M.D will make a hasty retreat to the comfort of his hotel as he only visits when he has too, managers try to mix in with the lads and the factory knob heads will go on to the pubs and nightclubs like they are Vikings of times old! Then one by one as the drink takes effect people are brutally left by the wayside with the immortal Geordie term of” f**king leave him he’s pissed” in the true spirit of Christmas.
If you are out and about over Christmas please keep a careful eye on these strange Christmas rituals that are out there on the streets and in the restaurants and pubs of our fair city and up and down this great land!
Enjoy yourself be safe and merry Christmas and a happy new year
Have fun and play nice